In Her Right Mind

Maybe this isn’t right. I shouldn’t even be talking about this. Or maybe I should. shouldn’t.
I don’t know. But who knows anything anyway?

I have known you for quite some time now. I noticed all the quirks going on with your life and maybe you don’t know mine. Take the chance?

I take a deep breath and look at you from a distance. I see you smile, laugh, or even just stare into some other space I even can’t tell. I will watch you. And maybe when you happen to turn your head, I’ll quickly avert my eyes away from your direction and confuse you. (Or, if you’re conceited, delude you into the idea.) But as I pretend to be looking at some random direction, I’ll let the sun caress my face with its warmth and realize that all this must just be infatuation, again and again and again. I’ll stand up, walk away and rub my hands together – even realize that my rough hands aren’t even worth touching by someone like you – maybe I really should just give up. I feel sad.

I’m not worth any at all. Not even the slightest of your attention. I was just fooling myself. Sorry to have wasted your time.

As I continue walking away, ruminating on life and wishing that ‘sonder’ is a real word, veracity hits me. I should keep my self away from you. You are at greener pastures while I am in exile. You are the blue sky and I am a stone deep within the earth. You are there, while I am here. We are worlds apart. This is hopeless. We are never going to be together.

I arrive home, in the pure haven of silence and comfort. This is where I truly belong.

And yet – as I fall down into the pleasure of my sheets, I break down for veracity has hit me again, and its mark right across my face. The sun retires and I am still here. No, no, no, no. Make your heart stone cold, and you feel nothing. Whispering such morose things over and over again to yourself, numbing the pain of what cannot be. Stripping my mind from all the memories we have shared before, before all these ideas came rushing in my head. What have I done upon myself?

Silence covers my ears.

And the bell rings three.

You come to me, bare, and look me in the eye.

This is what is meant to be.

In the warmth of my tears and of your arms,

I am found.

 

Buhay taas petsa

(Life update — translation fail)

this letter is written in the author’s local language (with a wild dash of English terms in between).
She wishes to keep it this way, for words may get lost in translation, and to keep the core of this written account. Do forgive her.

a continuation? maybe. another letter of the author to her beloved mentor who passed a few months ago.

Dear Sir M,

its been awhile since March 13 2013. 6:43 am ko po nakuha yung balita. Di ko kalilimutan sir, promise yan. kayo lang ang tanging writing mentor ko.

andami ko po sanang gusto ibalita sa inyo pero heto, helpless ako at wala na talaga akong magagawa. Hanggang dito ko na lang po siguro masasabi yung mga kwento na gusto ko sabihin sa inyo, kasi kapag dito, parang feel ko lang na binabasa niyo at andiyan kayo kahit papano.

Kamusta diyan sa Itaas, sir? Masaya ba?

Ayun sir, nasira yung nokia phone ko na pinagdidiskitahan niyo ni sir runel. Nalulungkot nga ako kasi may memories si ako at si kuya dun sa phone na yun eh. Siguro ibig sabihin let go ko na daw talaga yun. Kaya heto, nagpupumilit ako sa Cherry Mobile (ulit) na nagloloko yung charger at phone mismo. Wala eh. ganon eh. Pero alam niyo Sir, at least meron diba? Ayos lang, kasi may camera siya. haha yehey.

Ay sir nagkaroon ako ng happiness week. July 28 – Aug 3 ata yun. Haha grabe ang saya talaga nung week na yun sir. Parang birthday week ang peg, pero hindi naman. Pero kasi naman, siguro kaya ganon eh kasi nakasalubong ko siya noon nung papasok ako sa school. Grabe sir, good vibes na good vibes talaga ako nung buong week na yun. Ganda ng daloy. Siguro factor na din yung pag simba.

Grabe sir, ibang klase din talaga yung naglalaan ka ng panahon para magdasal, kahit hindi para sa mga kailangan mo, pero para dun sa mga gusto mo lang ipasalamat kay Lord. Galing. Nagkamali akong pagdudahan si Lord, sir. Sana tuloy tuloy na to.

Ayun, ayos lang kami nung baha. I mean, naging bad ako at one point pero ayos lang. ay joke hindi pala. may time na nadulas yung kapatid ko sir, tapos ayun, nagka-cast yung leg niya. naawa ako sa kanya grabe sir. pero saya niya eh, nung sabihin ng doktor na dapat upo lang siya. tapos pwede ba daw computer? oo daw. hahah grabe. pero ayun, recovering naman siya ngayon. sana wag madale.

ayun din yung kapatid kong dilag. di ko maintindihan sir. pero siguro nandun din siya sa time na yun na nawawala, naghahanap ng sarili at kung ano ano pa. wala na akong gustong sabihin pa. pero sana alam niya ginagawa niya kasi ayoko nang makita na magalit ng ganon ulit si mama dahil sa kadramahan niya. excited na din ako para sa mga kuya ko. ayun, yung isa mag NMAT tapos yung isa tuloy lang sa law school. kitang kita naman na gusto nila eh. sana payapa kaming lahat makatapos.

Tapos na din pala karamihan ng prelims namin sir, isa na lang tapos wooo. Pero grabe sir, yung ibang prof namin makadiscuss, wagas! may finals na dalawang subject namin, yung animation at yung PEM. kaloka sir. pero aliw na aliw ako sa beki naming prof ngayon sa socio-anthropology. antalino niya sir, nakikita ko siya sa inyo, pero minus the beki side. hahahaha.

Oo nga pala sir, sumali pala ako sa petron. grabe nagphotojourn kuno nanaman ako. hahah pero ang saya maglakad sa riles tapos sa ibaba mo na pala yung tubig. huhuhu maiyak iyak ako nun sir, kala ko wala na kami ng camera ko. pero heto, staying strong kami. hahah kaso leche flan lang mga tripod. hassle. talagang sinusubukan pasensya ko. pero ayan, putographer na ako. food lover na kuha kuha din ng pictures.

kain din ng kain, kaya eto, masama pakiramdam minsan. feel ko high blood. at nagsisisi ako. pero dont worry, kumakain naman ako ng tama. buti na nga lang may help na sa bahay, kundi kaguluhan nanaman maabot namin.

Ay ayun sir! Nakapasok na din sa wakas ang loka sa TWG! Haha sa third year pa ako pinayagan ni Lord! Gusto ko rin malaman kung bakit eh. Kaso mukhang sa mga new friends ko lang malalaman kung bakit at pano nga ba ang mga pangyayari. Pero masaya yung una kong workshop sa kanila sir. Ibang klase dun sa ginagawa natin sa CSLI. Intense pero alam mong tapat sayo. Mabuti na ring ganon. Haha. sorry sir kung di na ako pumupunta. masakit lang eh. pero ayun, tanggap naman din nilang lahat kung bakit di na ako pupunta dun.

Tapos sir haha grabe kaloka! Napublish ako online! Talon ako sa saya nung makita ko dun sa site mismo. Hahah ganito kasi yung kwento nun. So nagsubmit ako, sir diba? tapos sabi kasi nila, within the next two weeks magrereply daw sila ng email kung gusto daw nila ipublish yung gawa ko. pero ayun, nagpakaparanoid ako sa email ko, wala naman. siguro nabura ko kasama nung ibang unnecessary email. oh no. pero pano ko nalaman? ayun sir, naglululoko nanaman ako dun sa klase namin, segway sa site nila tapos hukay nang unti sa archives. eh malay ko ba, ayun! gumulat sa akin yung title nung gawa ko tapos andun sir! andun talaga! yung pangalan ko tapos nung wednesday pa pala napublish yung gawa ko dun sir. hahahahaha kaloka. pero sir, sakit sa heart. sinulat ko yun para sa kanya. Sana di niya binasa. sana nilike lang niya yung post at congrats at ayos na. ewan, pero nag eexpect ba nanaman ako? hay.

Pero ansaya nun sir, pareho palang wednesday yung debut ng work ko sa thought catalog at yung unang workshop ko sa TWG. Ayun, haha malay ko ba! Awesome wednesdays na ang buhay ko. Sana lang kayanin pa ng katawan ko sir.

Recently din sir nanonood ako ng movies. Puro indie at art films. grabe, nakakabago talaga ng perspective din talaga pala ang movies. parang libro o text, pero kitang kita mo, visual eh. pero kailangan mo pa rin i-analyze yung symbolisms at story. Try ko din magbasa ng libro, kaso di ako sinisipag sir, yung mata ko rin eh.
Sorry talaga sir ah, pero alam kong nagiging masama na bata nanaman ako ngayon, pero heto, alam ko kakayanin ko ‘to sir. I just know it. sana makamit ko na yung DL na ninanais kong kaytagal na sir. pahirapan talaga.

Ayan, mga pinagkakaguluhan ko ngayon sir. haha wag niyo kakalimutan sir ah. kaunting kamusta diyan. haha.
feel ko sir may sasabihin pa ako pero nawala na sa utak ko. sige sir, babalikan ko kayo, sure yan.  ;)

MBBC

Haunted

I am haunted.

I am haunted everytime I see your name. I am haunted everytime I hear your name. I am haunted everytime I pass by someone who looks identical to you. I am haunted when I hear your songs love. I am haunted whenever I see some food item you greatly remind me of. I am haunted by the books you told me about. I am haunted at the most random of times. I am haunted by the idea of you alone. And I must admit, I am scared.

I do not know what you have done unto me or how you have done it to me, but I must say, it amazes me how you keep doing this to me. Every time I pass the places we’ve been to, I see us there, laughing and smiling, and it haunts me. Every memory we shared, each caress, gaze, and touch, they haunt me. Every moment we were together, each story, laugh, joke, it continues to haunt me to this day. I look away in shame in remembering all of this. What have I done?

To this fear I have concluded to myself that I push you away, for I do not want to feel this anymore. I do not want to feel anymore. I am scared, that once I tell you everything, once the words from this cowardly mouth come out, I’ll be haunted for the rest of my days. I am haunted by the act itself, what more to what will happen after I say all of it? I am afraid.

Yet I keep asking my self the same question at the end of the day, if I am haunted by you, why do I keep on looking for you?

Even if you’re at the other side of the world, I still make my way to you. I find myself walking to where you were, or where you are. And I’d stand there for hours, just wanting to see you again. I find myself tracing back the steps when we were together. I find myself waiting at the bench where we used to meet up. But you don’t show up and I go home heavy hearted. I buy the drink we used to buy together at that coffee shop. I buy the meal you bought back then. I listen to the music you told me about before. But you’re not there to share it with me.

I find myself longing for you and, I don’t know why, and that scares me.

Everytime I look on my phone, scroll back to our messages, each smiley and each reply, they haunt me. Everytime I go online to Facebook and see you online, with that green online button glaring at me, it haunts me. I refuse to press that send button with all those feelings in the reply. It haunts me to talk to you. It wasn’t like this before. I don’t know why. I dont know why. It baffles me. And I hate myself for it. I am such a coward.

Yet what haunts me the most, are the things left unsaid to you. To this day, the idea haunts me. Thoughts of “what if I told him” and “what If He knew” revolve in my head, every time. There is no day that passes that I don’t think about you. Oh how many countless times have I left those messages unsent from my phone. How many times have I thought about it again and again in my head. How I dreamt of you calling me yours. How I wish I could tell you, that you were what my dreams are made of. How I wanted to call you mine alone.

I am haunted by you, and some part of me wishes that I haunt you too.

8.8.13