To Jay

his name I dont know
and yet his words seem so nice
I’d like to know you

for that stranger I met today

Haunted

I am haunted.

I am haunted everytime I see your name. I am haunted everytime I hear your name. I am haunted everytime I pass by someone who looks identical to you. I am haunted when I hear your songs love. I am haunted whenever I see some food item you greatly remind me of. I am haunted by the books you told me about. I am haunted at the most random of times. I am haunted by the idea of you alone. And I must admit, I am scared.

I do not know what you have done unto me or how you have done it to me, but I must say, it amazes me how you keep doing this to me. Every time I pass the places we’ve been to, I see us there, laughing and smiling, and it haunts me. Every memory we shared, each caress, gaze, and touch, they haunt me. Every moment we were together, each story, laugh, joke, it continues to haunt me to this day. I look away in shame in remembering all of this. What have I done?

To this fear I have concluded to myself that I push you away, for I do not want to feel this anymore. I do not want to feel anymore. I am scared, that once I tell you everything, once the words from this cowardly mouth come out, I’ll be haunted for the rest of my days. I am haunted by the act itself, what more to what will happen after I say all of it? I am afraid.

Yet I keep asking my self the same question at the end of the day, if I am haunted by you, why do I keep on looking for you?

Even if you’re at the other side of the world, I still make my way to you. I find myself walking to where you were, or where you are. And I’d stand there for hours, just wanting to see you again. I find myself tracing back the steps when we were together. I find myself waiting at the bench where we used to meet up. But you don’t show up and I go home heavy hearted. I buy the drink we used to buy together at that coffee shop. I buy the meal you bought back then. I listen to the music you told me about before. But you’re not there to share it with me.

I find myself longing for you and, I don’t know why, and that scares me.

Everytime I look on my phone, scroll back to our messages, each smiley and each reply, they haunt me. Everytime I go online to Facebook and see you online, with that green online button glaring at me, it haunts me. I refuse to press that send button with all those feelings in the reply. It haunts me to talk to you. It wasn’t like this before. I don’t know why. I dont know why. It baffles me. And I hate myself for it. I am such a coward.

Yet what haunts me the most, are the things left unsaid to you. To this day, the idea haunts me. Thoughts of “what if I told him” and “what If He knew” revolve in my head, every time. There is no day that passes that I don’t think about you. Oh how many countless times have I left those messages unsent from my phone. How many times have I thought about it again and again in my head. How I dreamt of you calling me yours. How I wish I could tell you, that you were what my dreams are made of. How I wanted to call you mine alone.

I am haunted by you, and some part of me wishes that I haunt you too.

8.8.13

This Romance

To hear tales of romance
that lives to this day’s existence
calls for a jubilant celebration
beyond one’s mortal imagination.

For if not the sparkle of the eye remain,
and the beating of the heart be sustained,
all of this foundation would crumble
and both parties may not be so humble.

Ah the beauty of romance,
it is to seek the true balance
between blinding lights and truth
this is what truly defines youth.