In Her Right Mind

Maybe this isn’t right. I shouldn’t even be talking about this. Or maybe I should. shouldn’t.
I don’t know. But who knows anything anyway?

I have known you for quite some time now. I noticed all the quirks going on with your life and maybe you don’t know mine. Take the chance?

I take a deep breath and look at you from a distance. I see you smile, laugh, or even just stare into some other space I even can’t tell. I will watch you. And maybe when you happen to turn your head, I’ll quickly avert my eyes away from your direction and confuse you. (Or, if you’re conceited, delude you into the idea.) But as I pretend to be looking at some random direction, I’ll let the sun caress my face with its warmth and realize that all this must just be infatuation, again and again and again. I’ll stand up, walk away and rub my hands together – even realize that my rough hands aren’t even worth touching by someone like you – maybe I really should just give up. I feel sad.

I’m not worth any at all. Not even the slightest of your attention. I was just fooling myself. Sorry to have wasted your time.

As I continue walking away, ruminating on life and wishing that ‘sonder’ is a real word, veracity hits me. I should keep my self away from you. You are at greener pastures while I am in exile. You are the blue sky and I am a stone deep within the earth. You are there, while I am here. We are worlds apart. This is hopeless. We are never going to be together.

I arrive home, in the pure haven of silence and comfort. This is where I truly belong.

And yet – as I fall down into the pleasure of my sheets, I break down for veracity has hit me again, and its mark right across my face. The sun retires and I am still here. No, no, no, no. Make your heart stone cold, and you feel nothing. Whispering such morose things over and over again to yourself, numbing the pain of what cannot be. Stripping my mind from all the memories we have shared before, before all these ideas came rushing in my head. What have I done upon myself?

Silence covers my ears.

And the bell rings three.

You come to me, bare, and look me in the eye.

This is what is meant to be.

In the warmth of my tears and of your arms,

I am found.

 

Buhay taas petsa

(Life update — translation fail)

this letter is written in the author’s local language (with a wild dash of English terms in between).
She wishes to keep it this way, for words may get lost in translation, and to keep the core of this written account. Do forgive her.

a continuation? maybe. another letter of the author to her beloved mentor who passed a few months ago.

Dear Sir M,

its been awhile since March 13 2013. 6:43 am ko po nakuha yung balita. Di ko kalilimutan sir, promise yan. kayo lang ang tanging writing mentor ko.

andami ko po sanang gusto ibalita sa inyo pero heto, helpless ako at wala na talaga akong magagawa. Hanggang dito ko na lang po siguro masasabi yung mga kwento na gusto ko sabihin sa inyo, kasi kapag dito, parang feel ko lang na binabasa niyo at andiyan kayo kahit papano.

Kamusta diyan sa Itaas, sir? Masaya ba?

Ayun sir, nasira yung nokia phone ko na pinagdidiskitahan niyo ni sir runel. Nalulungkot nga ako kasi may memories si ako at si kuya dun sa phone na yun eh. Siguro ibig sabihin let go ko na daw talaga yun. Kaya heto, nagpupumilit ako sa Cherry Mobile (ulit) na nagloloko yung charger at phone mismo. Wala eh. ganon eh. Pero alam niyo Sir, at least meron diba? Ayos lang, kasi may camera siya. haha yehey.

Ay sir nagkaroon ako ng happiness week. July 28 – Aug 3 ata yun. Haha grabe ang saya talaga nung week na yun sir. Parang birthday week ang peg, pero hindi naman. Pero kasi naman, siguro kaya ganon eh kasi nakasalubong ko siya noon nung papasok ako sa school. Grabe sir, good vibes na good vibes talaga ako nung buong week na yun. Ganda ng daloy. Siguro factor na din yung pag simba.

Grabe sir, ibang klase din talaga yung naglalaan ka ng panahon para magdasal, kahit hindi para sa mga kailangan mo, pero para dun sa mga gusto mo lang ipasalamat kay Lord. Galing. Nagkamali akong pagdudahan si Lord, sir. Sana tuloy tuloy na to.

Ayun, ayos lang kami nung baha. I mean, naging bad ako at one point pero ayos lang. ay joke hindi pala. may time na nadulas yung kapatid ko sir, tapos ayun, nagka-cast yung leg niya. naawa ako sa kanya grabe sir. pero saya niya eh, nung sabihin ng doktor na dapat upo lang siya. tapos pwede ba daw computer? oo daw. hahah grabe. pero ayun, recovering naman siya ngayon. sana wag madale.

ayun din yung kapatid kong dilag. di ko maintindihan sir. pero siguro nandun din siya sa time na yun na nawawala, naghahanap ng sarili at kung ano ano pa. wala na akong gustong sabihin pa. pero sana alam niya ginagawa niya kasi ayoko nang makita na magalit ng ganon ulit si mama dahil sa kadramahan niya. excited na din ako para sa mga kuya ko. ayun, yung isa mag NMAT tapos yung isa tuloy lang sa law school. kitang kita naman na gusto nila eh. sana payapa kaming lahat makatapos.

Tapos na din pala karamihan ng prelims namin sir, isa na lang tapos wooo. Pero grabe sir, yung ibang prof namin makadiscuss, wagas! may finals na dalawang subject namin, yung animation at yung PEM. kaloka sir. pero aliw na aliw ako sa beki naming prof ngayon sa socio-anthropology. antalino niya sir, nakikita ko siya sa inyo, pero minus the beki side. hahahaha.

Oo nga pala sir, sumali pala ako sa petron. grabe nagphotojourn kuno nanaman ako. hahah pero ang saya maglakad sa riles tapos sa ibaba mo na pala yung tubig. huhuhu maiyak iyak ako nun sir, kala ko wala na kami ng camera ko. pero heto, staying strong kami. hahah kaso leche flan lang mga tripod. hassle. talagang sinusubukan pasensya ko. pero ayan, putographer na ako. food lover na kuha kuha din ng pictures.

kain din ng kain, kaya eto, masama pakiramdam minsan. feel ko high blood. at nagsisisi ako. pero dont worry, kumakain naman ako ng tama. buti na nga lang may help na sa bahay, kundi kaguluhan nanaman maabot namin.

Ay ayun sir! Nakapasok na din sa wakas ang loka sa TWG! Haha sa third year pa ako pinayagan ni Lord! Gusto ko rin malaman kung bakit eh. Kaso mukhang sa mga new friends ko lang malalaman kung bakit at pano nga ba ang mga pangyayari. Pero masaya yung una kong workshop sa kanila sir. Ibang klase dun sa ginagawa natin sa CSLI. Intense pero alam mong tapat sayo. Mabuti na ring ganon. Haha. sorry sir kung di na ako pumupunta. masakit lang eh. pero ayun, tanggap naman din nilang lahat kung bakit di na ako pupunta dun.

Tapos sir haha grabe kaloka! Napublish ako online! Talon ako sa saya nung makita ko dun sa site mismo. Hahah ganito kasi yung kwento nun. So nagsubmit ako, sir diba? tapos sabi kasi nila, within the next two weeks magrereply daw sila ng email kung gusto daw nila ipublish yung gawa ko. pero ayun, nagpakaparanoid ako sa email ko, wala naman. siguro nabura ko kasama nung ibang unnecessary email. oh no. pero pano ko nalaman? ayun sir, naglululoko nanaman ako dun sa klase namin, segway sa site nila tapos hukay nang unti sa archives. eh malay ko ba, ayun! gumulat sa akin yung title nung gawa ko tapos andun sir! andun talaga! yung pangalan ko tapos nung wednesday pa pala napublish yung gawa ko dun sir. hahahahaha kaloka. pero sir, sakit sa heart. sinulat ko yun para sa kanya. Sana di niya binasa. sana nilike lang niya yung post at congrats at ayos na. ewan, pero nag eexpect ba nanaman ako? hay.

Pero ansaya nun sir, pareho palang wednesday yung debut ng work ko sa thought catalog at yung unang workshop ko sa TWG. Ayun, haha malay ko ba! Awesome wednesdays na ang buhay ko. Sana lang kayanin pa ng katawan ko sir.

Recently din sir nanonood ako ng movies. Puro indie at art films. grabe, nakakabago talaga ng perspective din talaga pala ang movies. parang libro o text, pero kitang kita mo, visual eh. pero kailangan mo pa rin i-analyze yung symbolisms at story. Try ko din magbasa ng libro, kaso di ako sinisipag sir, yung mata ko rin eh.
Sorry talaga sir ah, pero alam kong nagiging masama na bata nanaman ako ngayon, pero heto, alam ko kakayanin ko ‘to sir. I just know it. sana makamit ko na yung DL na ninanais kong kaytagal na sir. pahirapan talaga.

Ayan, mga pinagkakaguluhan ko ngayon sir. haha wag niyo kakalimutan sir ah. kaunting kamusta diyan. haha.
feel ko sir may sasabihin pa ako pero nawala na sa utak ko. sige sir, babalikan ko kayo, sure yan.  ;)

MBBC

What I am (currently) looking for

It’s not a guy to sleep with. Or a boyfriend. Or a new sibling. Or a gaming buddy. Or a lifetime partner (not yet). Right now, I’m looking for a confidante. Yes, you read that right. I need someone to listen to me and hopefully tell me where I should go or do next. But then that would defeat the meaning of living. God this sucks.

Its just that right now, things are getting crazier by the week. The deadlines are getting shorter, and the pressure is growing. The motivation and inspiration to work is declining. I don’t know about them cold-heart high ranks, but I have emotions too. I am human, I get stressed out. I feel sad. I want to rest too. I could choose not to go to class, but I have to comply. I want to keep my record as clean as possible.

Why not a current friend? Interesting question. Wait, maybe, not really. Anyway, with the things I want to gush out on, I need a neutral person, a third party, just to hear me out on all this. My insecurities on me, my performance in school, my social life and people involved. I don’t know, really. I just need to get this all out of my system, and sadly for me, writing it all out wouldn’t help. I believe in respecting these people’s private lives and with that, I won’t spill here… even though this is a blog. I just need to get this out somewhere, I swear. And this art thing is not working on me anymore, “with all the expression of your emotion through art”. Its not working. And I don’t know why. Maybe its because art is actually where I am at (I’m in art school, and pressure really kills here with all the energy drinks you need to drink.)

One time I went to our school counselor. And it helped. But my swings just keep on coming back to me. Its not the period I swear to God. But I think I can’t go back to her again. And I dont think going back there would be the same as before.

Still, there’s nothing wrong with it right? All I want is someone who has that neutrality to listen me rant out. I don’t hate the world. I just hate what I’ve been doing upon myself recently. I hate myself. Why do these things keep happening? God, help me, please.