This day was the day I cried because I thought I would lose my mother. I just couldn’t help crying on the way to the hospital. How did it all start anyway? Keep reading.
So today, around before noon, I was shook up to the news that I was going to the hospital, to fetch my mother from the hospital. I was told that she collapsed on her way home from work. The adrenaline immediately shot right up all over my body. So I immediately dressed myself and together with my dad and my little sibling, we went to fetch her from the hospital because she was already discharged.
All those crazy thoughts were running through my head. I wasn’t ready for her to leave yet. Neither are my siblings. Same goes for my father. And what will happen to her family, my aunts and uncles and my grandmother? All of them would be definitely heartbroken. I would definitely be heartbroken. Who would do all the chores and jobs in the household? No one in the house was ready for that. And my father’s way too aged to be doing what she’s doing. I want to see her. I want to hear her voice, her laugh. Please don’t take that away from me.
The tears were running down on the edge of my eyes. Oh God. She was already okay. We were just fetching her from the hospital. What was I thinking?
So we arrive at the lobby of the hospital, and we immediately recognize her with the hair and clothes. She was okay. She just said she wanted to eat and rest on a phone call earlier. I see her, get off the car and dash to her. She stood from her seat and walked towards me. And hearing her words made relief flush right over my head.
“Why are you so rushed?” she asked as I came to her.
I composed myself after then. I couldn’t cry on a place like that, not in front of her. We walked to the car shortly after that.
So we were in the car, she took shotgun, and I went to the backseat. She and my father then conversed on what happened. Simply put, she had high blood pressure. She was already feeling dizzy during work, but she handled it at that time by going to the office clinic and resting a bit there. Then it just came again, as she was on her way home. But the rush got the best of her.
After awhile, we ate our brunch outside, in a friendly, delicious Chinese restaurant. We ordered wanton noodles, beef broccoli, lemon chicken and fried rice. It was peaceful, but I was still disturbed, because right before the meals were served, my mom kept going to the restroom (it took longer than usual), and she was making remarks like I feel like throwing up… and I don’t feel so good.
Maybe I’m just paranoid. And maybe I just really care for her, because she’s my mom. The idea of losing her at this age breaks me. I still have the dreams of her, together with my dad, bringing me to the altar on my wedding day. There was still so much ahead of us, and I can’t manage going on without her along the way.
And now she’s resting. I feel secure, but the idea of aging, death and loss dreads me. It all made me realize that I was too bad of a child to be slacking off with what she wanted me to do. She wanted me to learn while she was here, so that I could handle myself. It’s only natural that this is what a mother would like for her own child, right?
Ma, I don’t know what to say if one day I hear that you are gone, for real. I could break down that I might not get back up. But I’m sure that you won’t leave us. Just don’t scare us all like that. I’m really sorry for being a bad child. I would do anything for you, just stay. Don’t worry, I’ll someday learn to accept if one day comes and He gets you. Thank you for being such a good mom to me, even I know I don’t deserve someone as beautiful, strong, and kind like you.
If only you know, I have so many dreams for us, and the family. I hope you could be there, every time each one will come true. Because it would be an incomplete dream, if you weren’t. I love you, Ma.
What's In My Mind... 