Tag Archives: musing

Buhay taas petsa

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(Life update — translation fail)

this letter is written in the author’s local language (with a wild dash of English terms in between).
She wishes to keep it this way, for words may get lost in translation, and to keep the core of this written account. Do forgive her.

a continuation? maybe. another letter of the author to her beloved mentor who passed a few months ago.

Dear Sir M,

its been awhile since March 13 2013. 6:43 am ko po nakuha yung balita. Di ko kalilimutan sir, promise yan. kayo lang ang tanging writing mentor ko.

andami ko po sanang gusto ibalita sa inyo pero heto, helpless ako at wala na talaga akong magagawa. Hanggang dito ko na lang po siguro masasabi yung mga kwento na gusto ko sabihin sa inyo, kasi kapag dito, parang feel ko lang na binabasa niyo at andiyan kayo kahit papano.

Kamusta diyan sa Itaas, sir? Masaya ba?

Ayun sir, nasira yung nokia phone ko na pinagdidiskitahan niyo ni sir runel. Nalulungkot nga ako kasi may memories si ako at si kuya dun sa phone na yun eh. Siguro ibig sabihin let go ko na daw talaga yun. Kaya heto, nagpupumilit ako sa Cherry Mobile (ulit) na nagloloko yung charger at phone mismo. Wala eh. ganon eh. Pero alam niyo Sir, at least meron diba? Ayos lang, kasi may camera siya. haha yehey.

Ay sir nagkaroon ako ng happiness week. July 28 – Aug 3 ata yun. Haha grabe ang saya talaga nung week na yun sir. Parang birthday week ang peg, pero hindi naman. Pero kasi naman, siguro kaya ganon eh kasi nakasalubong ko siya noon nung papasok ako sa school. Grabe sir, good vibes na good vibes talaga ako nung buong week na yun. Ganda ng daloy. Siguro factor na din yung pag simba.

Grabe sir, ibang klase din talaga yung naglalaan ka ng panahon para magdasal, kahit hindi para sa mga kailangan mo, pero para dun sa mga gusto mo lang ipasalamat kay Lord. Galing. Nagkamali akong pagdudahan si Lord, sir. Sana tuloy tuloy na to.

Ayun, ayos lang kami nung baha. I mean, naging bad ako at one point pero ayos lang. ay joke hindi pala. may time na nadulas yung kapatid ko sir, tapos ayun, nagka-cast yung leg niya. naawa ako sa kanya grabe sir. pero saya niya eh, nung sabihin ng doktor na dapat upo lang siya. tapos pwede ba daw computer? oo daw. hahah grabe. pero ayun, recovering naman siya ngayon. sana wag madale.

ayun din yung kapatid kong dilag. di ko maintindihan sir. pero siguro nandun din siya sa time na yun na nawawala, naghahanap ng sarili at kung ano ano pa. wala na akong gustong sabihin pa. pero sana alam niya ginagawa niya kasi ayoko nang makita na magalit ng ganon ulit si mama dahil sa kadramahan niya. excited na din ako para sa mga kuya ko. ayun, yung isa mag NMAT tapos yung isa tuloy lang sa law school. kitang kita naman na gusto nila eh. sana payapa kaming lahat makatapos.

Tapos na din pala karamihan ng prelims namin sir, isa na lang tapos wooo. Pero grabe sir, yung ibang prof namin makadiscuss, wagas! may finals na dalawang subject namin, yung animation at yung PEM. kaloka sir. pero aliw na aliw ako sa beki naming prof ngayon sa socio-anthropology. antalino niya sir, nakikita ko siya sa inyo, pero minus the beki side. hahahaha.

Oo nga pala sir, sumali pala ako sa petron. grabe nagphotojourn kuno nanaman ako. hahah pero ang saya maglakad sa riles tapos sa ibaba mo na pala yung tubig. huhuhu maiyak iyak ako nun sir, kala ko wala na kami ng camera ko. pero heto, staying strong kami. hahah kaso leche flan lang mga tripod. hassle. talagang sinusubukan pasensya ko. pero ayan, putographer na ako. food lover na kuha kuha din ng pictures.

kain din ng kain, kaya eto, masama pakiramdam minsan. feel ko high blood. at nagsisisi ako. pero dont worry, kumakain naman ako ng tama. buti na nga lang may help na sa bahay, kundi kaguluhan nanaman maabot namin.

Ay ayun sir! Nakapasok na din sa wakas ang loka sa TWG! Haha sa third year pa ako pinayagan ni Lord! Gusto ko rin malaman kung bakit eh. Kaso mukhang sa mga new friends ko lang malalaman kung bakit at pano nga ba ang mga pangyayari. Pero masaya yung una kong workshop sa kanila sir. Ibang klase dun sa ginagawa natin sa CSLI. Intense pero alam mong tapat sayo. Mabuti na ring ganon. Haha. sorry sir kung di na ako pumupunta. masakit lang eh. pero ayun, tanggap naman din nilang lahat kung bakit di na ako pupunta dun.

Tapos sir haha grabe kaloka! Napublish ako online! Talon ako sa saya nung makita ko dun sa site mismo. Hahah ganito kasi yung kwento nun. So nagsubmit ako, sir diba? tapos sabi kasi nila, within the next two weeks magrereply daw sila ng email kung gusto daw nila ipublish yung gawa ko. pero ayun, nagpakaparanoid ako sa email ko, wala naman. siguro nabura ko kasama nung ibang unnecessary email. oh no. pero pano ko nalaman? ayun sir, naglululoko nanaman ako dun sa klase namin, segway sa site nila tapos hukay nang unti sa archives. eh malay ko ba, ayun! gumulat sa akin yung title nung gawa ko tapos andun sir! andun talaga! yung pangalan ko tapos nung wednesday pa pala napublish yung gawa ko dun sir. hahahahaha kaloka. pero sir, sakit sa heart. sinulat ko yun para sa kanya. Sana di niya binasa. sana nilike lang niya yung post at congrats at ayos na. ewan, pero nag eexpect ba nanaman ako? hay.

Pero ansaya nun sir, pareho palang wednesday yung debut ng work ko sa thought catalog at yung unang workshop ko sa TWG. Ayun, haha malay ko ba! Awesome wednesdays na ang buhay ko. Sana lang kayanin pa ng katawan ko sir.

Recently din sir nanonood ako ng movies. Puro indie at art films. grabe, nakakabago talaga ng perspective din talaga pala ang movies. parang libro o text, pero kitang kita mo, visual eh. pero kailangan mo pa rin i-analyze yung symbolisms at story. Try ko din magbasa ng libro, kaso di ako sinisipag sir, yung mata ko rin eh.
Sorry talaga sir ah, pero alam kong nagiging masama na bata nanaman ako ngayon, pero heto, alam ko kakayanin ko ‘to sir. I just know it. sana makamit ko na yung DL na ninanais kong kaytagal na sir. pahirapan talaga.

Ayan, mga pinagkakaguluhan ko ngayon sir. haha wag niyo kakalimutan sir ah. kaunting kamusta diyan. haha.
feel ko sir may sasabihin pa ako pero nawala na sa utak ko. sige sir, babalikan ko kayo, sure yan.  ;)

MBBC

Why I don’t call anyone my best friend anymore

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There was this time, when signing in autograph and slum books was the thing. And there was the question that always left me doubtful:
“Who is your best friend?”
Sure there would be a person in mind everytime I encounter this question but then I think again, but does this person really consider me her best friend? What does it take to be someone’s best friend anyway? Its more than sharing that moment in third grade like, “you like pink?” “yeah, I like pink” “i like pink too. lets be friends!” But then, that’s how most frienships start, with a mutual moment, hobby or whatever else shared.

I dont know but every time I encounter that question, it always leaves me hanging. Who is my best friend? In kindergarten, I had this best friend and her name was Rachel. She’s pretty, adorable, she lends me her pencils and I lend her my nifty corn pencil sharpener and we draw at the school yard to pass the time. Soon enough we went in to elementary school, but along the process, I lost her because of the distance. We just couldn’t be in the same class ever since. But we say hi everytime we pass by each other. But then, I had to transfer schools and we technically lost connection. Until recently, out of curiousity, I tracked her on Facebook and I found her. And there she was, lovelier than ever with a boyfriend while attending a prestigious university. And where am I? Here in Art School, feeling more alone than ever.
In fourth grade, there was Marian, Patricia and Janine. They were good to me, because we became friends after Marian saw me in the canteen bench alone, crying on my sandwich, having no one to eat with. But then, after shuffling of sections, we were separated and its as if nothing happened.
There was another time, when I transferred schools, I met this girl named Camille. I was a new student in the school and she befriended me. She was class president, she’s smart, we had the same heights (which meant we were after one another in the morning line) and we also had the same likes. We’d eat lunch together during breaks, talk about our favorite shows, talk about homework and other random stuff over the phone after getting home and other normal things which normal six grader girls do. But then this time, she was the one who had to go and transfer schools. Neither of us had the choice, and so we parted ways. Again, I tracked her down in Facebook and yes, we catch up. I even attended her 18th birthday party but then I felt so alone because didn’t know any of her friends there in her party.
So I was in Freshman year in high school and stupid hormones came up. I had a clique but I couldn’t call anyone my best friend among the girls I was with. I just felt too far away from them even if I spent every day with them, in lunch, in group works and assignments. I dont’ know; it felt like a chore being with them. I didn’t know how I managed to be with them in the first place. I was better off in the library drawing or reading a nice fiction book. Soon enough I went honest with myself and separated myself from them. In sophomore year, I was in a group of three. There was Sherry and Krisel and me. And it felt so wrong being with… Krisel. She was too clingy to Sherry as if she was shooing me out on the friendship. And Sherry wasn’t the Speak-Up type. It was a problem but it really didn’t matter at first but it went to worst, so we had confrontations soon enough.
The thing with Krisel was soon resolved… and went back on again in junior year. I had a bigger number of girls to go with (I am an introvert so I consider 5 something big all ready). There was me, Sherry, Krisel, Irish, Joanne and Jerica. It was smooth sailing for awhile but drama went on again since puberty was kind with our physical attributes. I was too tall and they’re… small. The same went for our emotions; Krisel would go on the drama again and act so immature and decided to join in another group. It didn’t matter really. But then she just had to rub it in our faces during the ride. Well anyway, another girl, Kim, came along and yes, we became friends, thanks to our similar likes. But then she’s originally from another clique and she has a best friend to call so she’s out of my list. I have other friends too, Telle, Maxine and Ara. But I felt like I was some excess wheel. I didn’t bother. I would ride along with them but I felt some excess baggage when I was with them. And they had drama. Not usually my kind. But I’d still go along with them for a trip to some fast food chain for fries and some chats. So there was me, Joanne, Irish, Jerica and Sherry. We went together in senior year. But after a series of unfortunate events, I felt like I betrayed all of them. But I found some courage to confront them back because I just couldn’t bear to be alone again. And yes, high school graduation came along and things are all right with us right now. We catch up every now and then, now that we’re all in college. But still, those things haunt me. I can’t bear to call myself even just their friend after all the bad things I did.
I even had a mentor for

And in sophomore year in college, just as I was getting to know Patricia. She just had to drop out and leave. I hate it.
I hate myself. I keep on questioning, doubting, myself, why won’t anybody stay for me? What was wrong with me? Is anyone my friend at all? Who would care if I got into an accident? Who would be there in my times of sorrow? What do I have to do just to have someone by my side.

Well I could answer myself, not even me. So who was I to be looking for a best friend, if I couldn’t even be a best friend to myself? It was by then I slapped into my mind, I have no one to call my exclusive best friend.

Here’s my reason why I don’t call anyone my best friend, I am afraid of losing them. Each time I declare (in whatever form: written, spoken) that this person is my best friend, some force of nature or stupid impulse separates me from this person. I am afraid of losing them because of my stupidity and pride. Its as if calling someone my best friend, some force of nature would whip up some tornado to bring that person away from me. I can’t have that permanent mutual exclusive relationship with anyone. There are so many definition of “friends” out there but then its so hard to pick out one from the bunch.

Look, I have friends but I don’t think I’ll be calling anyone the best out any among them. I still have some of these friends with me but I bet my life that no one would bother to ring me up just to catch up. I’d always have to make the first move on them. And maybe my first mark on considering or calling someone my best friend was, if that they would say my name, that I was their best friend. Looks like that will take awhile.  I just know it; its more than trusting someone with your skeletons. What does it take to gain that exclusivity?

While on this, its also the same reason I am afraid to date. What if I fall for him, and soon enough, he’ll be the best I have, he’ll be my best friend… and the cycle goes the same; he’ll leave or he’ll be taken away. I don’t want that. Not ever.

But then, I guess, after all these friends leaving me, I got used to it. And in my sadness I learned to run to the one thing I know that will be there for me: art. My pen listened to me. Sadness is my muse. I drew and wrote stuff. It sounds sad, but its true. What more can I do? But this time I’m sure; I know my art won’t leave me. It’ll be there by my side forever. That’s why I attend art school. It may be for creative exploration and expression, but who the hell are you people to judge artists? To me its the only refuge I got left after being left all throughout my life.

I guess I just have to call myself my own best friend first. But then I better be careful, I might lose myself in the process as well. I’ve loved and I have lost.