What I am (currently) looking for

It’s not a guy to sleep with. Or a boyfriend. Or a new sibling. Or a gaming buddy. Or a lifetime partner (not yet). Right now, I’m looking for a confidante. Yes, you read that right. I need someone to listen to me and hopefully tell me where I should go or do next. But then that would defeat the meaning of living. God this sucks.

Its just that right now, things are getting crazier by the week. The deadlines are getting shorter, and the pressure is growing. The motivation and inspiration to work is declining. I don’t know about them cold-heart high ranks, but I have emotions too. I am human, I get stressed out. I feel sad. I want to rest too. I could choose not to go to class, but I have to comply. I want to keep my record as clean as possible.

Why not a current friend? Interesting question. Wait, maybe, not really. Anyway, with the things I want to gush out on, I need a neutral person, a third party, just to hear me out on all this. My insecurities on me, my performance in school, my social life and people involved. I don’t know, really. I just need to get this all out of my system, and sadly for me, writing it all out wouldn’t help. I believe in respecting these people’s private lives and with that, I won’t spill here… even though this is a blog. I just need to get this out somewhere, I swear. And this art thing is not working on me anymore, “with all the expression of your emotion through art”. Its not working. And I don’t know why. Maybe its because art is actually where I am at (I’m in art school, and pressure really kills here with all the energy drinks you need to drink.)

One time I went to our school counselor. And it helped. But my swings just keep on coming back to me. Its not the period I swear to God. But I think I can’t go back to her again. And I dont think going back there would be the same as before.

Still, there’s nothing wrong with it right? All I want is someone who has that neutrality to listen me rant out. I don’t hate the world. I just hate what I’ve been doing upon myself recently. I hate myself. Why do these things keep happening? God, help me, please.

Armageddon

The following poem has been entered to the Gawad Ustetika 2011. Unfortunately, it did not garner any awards. Also, this poem has been composed by this person when she was in sophomore year of her high school life.

© MBBC 2012

~

Such a bold word to say

to such innocent ears

Our vague thirst for justice

can’t simply be answered by verdicts

Epiphany adds to its existence

Emotions determine the winner

Gleaming, tears and gestures

To Michael or Lucifer?

The answer is undefined

for the day hasn’t arrived

This hail falls unto me

telling me something further

wanting to decipher its plea

Acceptance of veracity will do better

rather than reading of what’s not meant to be read

Oblivion shall be given before it arrives

Void are thoughts of nonsense

for we’ve got to pay the price

for what’s happened before now.

Three

In response to LilMissJoan’s words to me during a private conversation.

© MBBC 2012

_________________________________________________

Three seconds
is all that it takes
to make a goldfish
remember anything.

Still, no matter how hard you try, you can’t change the fish’s mind.
It will all disappear anyway in three seconds.

Three minutes
seems to be
an unfair amount of time
for a woman to be declared at
that she has  breast cancer.

Still, the fact that the doctor says as so will not change the fact that you had history of it.
And, it is same time it takes to build up anger in your mind.

Three months
is more than enough
in a scientist’s mind
to declare that you are in love
with another human person.

Yet, it seems that three months is not ample to get over a person you have first fallen in love with.
And it seems it takes more than three months for some people to admit that they are even in love with someone.

And three years
is all the time
humans of the world
ask for
to have their private time
in the comfort room.

I have nothing else to say on this.
But I’m pretty sure everyone has their reasons.

Three seconds
is all that it
takes for you
to forget
that out of this world
dream you had
last night.

Too bad, it may have taken you seven minutes to even just fall asleep.
We might as well admire the snail, who can sleep for three years.

Three words is all I’m asking to hear
Three words is all I’ve been waiting to be said
Three words is all I had been searching for.

Why is this not as easy to grasp as the others mentioned?
How much longer will this take? How much more time do I need?
Maybe it does not really matter. And I must admit, you are right.
All that’s left for me it to live this life with no regrets and keep moving.